No, Ian, any time you get a shot and blood literally squirts out from your veins, and you end up with a blood stain on your upper sleeve and lower abdomen, it's a huge stretch to call it a "shot well done."

What you need isn't a band-aid, it's a lawyer.

This is the Queen's official Diamond Jubilee emblem, drawn by 10-year-old Katherine Dewar (press release).

Out of 35,000 entries, this is the one they picked: a crooked Union Jack, sloppy crown and pillars of asymmetrical "diamonds."

Since the theme of this jubilee is clearly "fuck it," I decided to make my own entry:

The important thing about your work is that you failed. You suck at writing. But the important thing is that you failed.

This year instead of a normal birthday card, Henry decided to spruce things up with a death threat. Enjoy juvie, you psychotic little shit.

A note from the Author:

I have to get this off my chest: don't buy the Kindle version of my book. It sucks. I actually make more money on Kindle versions (almost double), but I can't endorse a shitty product. I had nothing to do with the e-version. Even though I make less per book, I'd rather you have something that kicks ass than more money in my pocket. Get the real thing if you're going to get it at all, and get bent if you don't. Thanks!

-Maddox