I can spell, draw, and do math better than your kids, so I've taken the liberty to judge work done by children. New updates every week.
Ryan, age 7
Love is a powerful word, and what better way to show someone you love them than with a poorly drawn creature with monster teeth, rat tail and four inline legs.

Then as if the demon-dog wasn't terrifying enough, Ryan adds a circle of ceremonial flames around the dog. Or maybe they're hearts... Either way, the thought of being surrounded by disembodied hearts makes me want to shit every last turd in my body right into my pants, then move to Australia.

Jimmy, age 8
I have to give it to you, Jimmy: your movie looks pretty exciting; what with the floating islands, sharks, underwater mountains, and what looks like the Android robot on the sea bed.

If nothing else, your boat is unstoppable, as it seems to be powered by sail, motor, and by the looks of it, coal, based on the smoke billowing from its mast.

If it turns out that you're not just a shitty artist and this movie is real, this may be one of the best movies ever made. Can't wait to see what adventures the S.S. Blak Purel gets into with its notorious frowny-face pirate flag.

Gage and Whitney, age 9
At some point Gage drew as much as he could and thought that he needed help from an expert in mouth and ear anatomy. Unfortunately, all he had was his sister.

Your sister's contributions to this drawing are indistinguishable from your own, if not worse (apparently your ear is translucent and floats in front of your head). Why?

Also, why do you refer to yourself in first and third person? Nobody cares if your sister drew part of this, Raphael. At what point in your life did you think that you would have to provide some documentation as proof? Both of you fail.

Shannon, age 13
Let me guess, you just saw Batman and now you and all your friends think The Joker is cool? Clearly you also think piercings are cool, since you gave your giraffe three of them.

Know what's not cool? Coloring in coloring books in junior high. You're 13. Get a life.

Jarred, age 7
"Let's see... looks like you got me a panda airing out its crotch... a fighter jet... and a collage of pterodactyl stamps surrounded by angry blue scribbles. I'd say 'thanks for the thought,' but clearly there was none put into this gift. Your mother and I are getting a divorce."

—Jarred's father


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