I can spell, draw, and do math better than your kids, so I've taken the liberty to judge work done by children. New updates every week.
Hannah, age 5
Why is God shorter than you? And why is he wearing a cabbie hat? Why are there so many fucking hearts everywhere?

The creator of the universe has better things to do than to listen another shitty "hot cross buns" performance on a recorder. You're 5. Get over yourself, bitch!

Frank, age 8
"Obama is a llama." Ooh, zing! Not that, Frank! Anything but that!

As for Romney winning, how'd that work out for you?

Linn, age 7
Where's the flamingo's reflection, dumbass? Is he a vampire? And if so, is the rock he's standing on also a vampire? Because neither have reflections.

And while we're at it, the dinosaur looks like a Probactrosaurus, which lived in the early Cretaceous period. The ancestors of flamingos didn't exist until the late Eocene epoch, you fucking tool.

And dinosaurs didn't have hair on their heads like humans. Fuck you.

Allison, age 6
"Christmas trees are green" is where the factual portion of your artwork ends:

-People don't float.
-The tree looks like a mushroom.
-The tree's center of gravity would cause it to fall over due to the way it's leaning.
-The ground is lumpy.
-And not all Christmas trees are green:

Madelyn, age 7
I am a brilliant critic not only for my prose, but because I can decipher garbage like this: it's a scene with a lifeguard at the beach.

My questions are: why is the parking lot floating in the air? Why is it even in the scene? How is it relevant to anything? And why is there a speech bubble next to the lifeguard if the text is hovering outside it? Why is the entire scene two-dimensional? Is the lifeguard sitting on a pole or does he have a long penis?

So many questions, so little talent.


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